The Killer Tanuki
by Nerubian Assassin
Summary: Beatrice gets fed up with the Seven Sisters of Purgatory and banishes them to a random universe for a while. A universe with one particular tanuki whose goal is to become a skilled massager and a huge pervert. Crack crossover fic. Only those that have played both Sengoku Rance Umineko will get my story.


**In some alternate universe inside a crazed author's head. I couldn't get this out of my head so I made it.**

_Owari, JAPAN_

Rance had just finished up having sex with one of the maids of Oda Castle and was just about to head back to the main lounge for his post-sex nap. Upon opening the door, he was greeted with a VERY unexpected sight.

In a scene that looked like it was pulled straight out of some crazy visual novel, seven women, all seemingly knocked out or otherwise incapacitated, were sprawled over the floor, traces of pain showing on their distressed faces. They were all wearing the same strange clothing, the upper half being a normal school uniform with a badge sewn on the left arm, while the bottom half consisted of a strange skirt (?) that exposed a lot of their legs. In fact, the only differentiating factor at the moment was their different colored hair and hairstyles. All in all, it was very erotic, which pleased Rance.

"Gahaha! Which one should I start with?"

However, as Rance took in the sights of the knocked out women and was making plans to rape them as they were, he noticed one figure that looked out of place. It was a racoon dog, although not just any racoon dog. It was Honda Tadakatsu, one of the commanders of what was formerly known as the Tokugawa clan. He was the quiet one of the Tokugawa clan, if we discount Sakakibara, who is always in perpetual sleep. However, he's still as cute as any tanuki, which leads to some harassment by the more cute-inclined people of Oda.

This is probably some useless information, but Tokugawa Ieyasu, the clan leader of Tokugawa and Tadakatsu's former superior(and raccoon dog), surrendered to Rance on the condition that he got tempura. All in all, it was a very good deal. As the other racoon commanders looked up to Tokugawa, they all pledged their allegiance to Rance and clan Oda.

At any rate, the scene was like this. Seven beautiful women in strange outfits were immobilized while Tadakatsu stood in the middle of this carnage.

"...Tadakatsu?" Rance inquired, coming back to his senses from his rape fantasies.

"... (Can I massage you?)" The tanuki replied.

At the word 'massage', all seven 'corpses' twitched visibly, as if being struck with fear from the mere utterance of the word. While Rance would've liked to ravage the women with his hyper weapon, his instinct told him something was off.

"Before that...just who ARE these women?" Trying to figure out what this feeling was, Rance decided the safe course of action was to buy time.

"... (Something about Stakes of Purgatory?)"

"Eh? Stakes of Purgatory? Sounds like something demon-ish. But then Chaos would've told me about them way long ago..." Rance dropped off into thought. But then his hyper weapon started throbbing. "Ah fuck it, let's take care of 'business' first!" Rance said gleefully with immoral intentions, his previous cautiousness thrown out the window.

"... (Would you like a massage first?)" Tadakatsu asked. He beckoned Rance to a cushion next to him.

"Why the hell not? It'll help loosen my muscles for later. Gahaha!" Rance sat cross-legged on the cushion, facing away from Tadakatsu.

With Rance's shoulders in front of him, Tadakatsu cracked his paws, intent on making sure his massage did not go like the last seven attempts. Upon hearing the cracks, Rance's danger senses kicked in, but it was already too late. Two VERY strong paws grabbed on tightly to his shoulders.

"Oi Tadakatsu that's too ti-OWWWWWWWWWWWW!"" Rance couldn't finish his sentence before the tanuki started kneading his shoulders with inhuman strength. While searing pain coursed throughout his body, Rance immediately understood how those Stakes or whatever got knocked out. "GYAAAAAHHHHHH! DAMN IT LEMME- FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" As Tadakatsu shifted his focus to Rance's back, Rance couldn't take it anymore as he plopped forward, his consciousness gone. Tadakatsu, sensing the futility of his actions, let go and stared distressingly at his paws.

"... (Just what am I doing wrong?)" He uttered to himself.

Of course, the eight corpses in the room would've answered that question had they been aware it was asked. But alas, the question was met with only stony silence. Depressed that even Rance didn't enjoy his massage, Honda Tadakatsu dragged himself out of the room in search of some tempura.

Suzume, the best kunoichi of all JAPAN and possibly the world, couldn't help but laugh at the turn of events. She had been hiding behind the ceiling ever since those seven strange newcomers came out of literally nowhere, argued amongst themselves, noticed Tadakatsu staring at them, and proceeded to squeeze and cuddle the hell out of him. She had considered knocking them all out, but they had the same kind of aura as Rance, in the sense that they were interesting people that were fun to watch.

In the chaos, Suzume could seethat Tadakatsu offered massaging the seven of them. After much moping about someone called 'Beatrice' and complaints about how tiring it was to stake this 'Battler' person, one of the sisters, presumably the oldest based on the way she dealt with the sisters, sat down and waited for Tadakatsu.

The carnage that happened afterwards was a bit much for even Suzume to want to recall, but needless to say, it was a disaster for the seven sisters. Of course, if Rance wasn't thinking with his dick, he could've gotten away, but some lessons just have to be learned. Still chuckling to herself, Suzume disappeared, intent on finding 3G and Sill so they could help with deal with this bizarre situation.

_Somewhere in the Metaworld_

Beatrice, Virgilia, Battler, and Ronove stared at the scene of death caused by this cute tanuki as seen through Virgilia's crystal ball.

Beatrice, being the main perpetrator of this scene because she had teleported the seven sisters in a fit of rage, scratched her head awkwardly.

"So...I went a bit too hard on them, didn't I?" Beatrice muttered quietly.

"If I may say so, yes Beatrice-sama. Although they had killed Battler-sama more than 100 times and kept bothering you to revive him, even this..." Ronove trailed off, words failing him. It was rare for a servant to reprimand their master, but this situation was horrible enough to merit this.

"Y'know Beato, I've seen you kill off my family in so many fucked up ways, but this..." Battler gave Beatrice a look of disgust, which made her cringe.

"It wasn't my fault!" Beatrice whined. "How the hell am I supposed to know the alternate universe I sent them would have racoon dogs that could kill through massages?! And before that they were killing YOU! Why the hell are you pitying them?!"

"No one should have to go through the torture of a painful massage." Battler replied solemnly. Virgilia and Ronove nodded their heads at that, which further increased Beatrice's guilty meter. Unable to take it anymore, Beatrice ran out of the room before she started showing a side that she swore she'd never let Battler see, which was basically her acting like a child.

The three people that were left behind lowered their heads in a moment of silence for the Seven Sisters of Purgatory and the unknown person who were more or less killed by the tanuki's paws.

Realizing something, Battler asked a question to no one in particular.

"Just where the hell DID Beato send them?"

**No they're not dead dead! **


End file.
